Lesson 2

Healing. What a mess.

The most outlandish aspect is you find yourself already on the “healing journey” with what feels like zero warning or preparation. One day you realize everything is changing. Or for me, it was a pit. As if someone had magically removed the stone out of a peach without anyone the wiser. So to the outside world everything looked as it should. Yet inside there was a raw, gaping hole where the core of the fruit had been stolen.

With time, and without intervention, the fruit would collapse in on itself. With no foundation to hold it, faking its wholeness to the world would become more and more difficult. And there I found myself. Every morning looking at a stranger in the mirror which I tried so hard to avoid having to face. Painting my face with make up. A clown. “Remember to smile.” “Don’t trauma dump on everyone again.” “Make sure you look productive.” Unrelenting doubt was the carbon monoxide that filled my empty core. Suffocating.

A constant questioning. “Why didn’t that person say hi to me?” “Did I do something to upset them?” “Why does my boss want to talk to me at 1:00?” “What if I get fired?” “Why hasn’t my dad called?” Pause. No dad in this lesson. That is almost an entirely different class altogether.

That feeling in my core, it never went away. Some part of me knew that it was a precursor to astronomical upheaval of everything I have ever known. So as a normal person would do, I ignored it and self-medicated to convince myself I was just having a rough week. Month. Year. Decade. Life. But nothing placated the gnawing feeling that whether I cared to or not, I was going to get the shit kicked out of me all in the name of growth. Yet when it’s happening it doesn’t resemble growth. It resembles being an ant on a sidewalk where some punk ass kid figured out that a magnifying glass would direct the sun onto my back and I would literally catch on fire. And each time I thought the fire was all consuming he would put it out and allow me seconds of agonizing reprieve before starting again.

Maybe this lesson should’ve been the peach and the ant.

Let me just throw a few more comparisons that through stream of consciousness made sense but now seem asinine. But that’s what healing is. It is asinine. It is unforgiving. Promising only that after it is done, if you can survive it, you may possibly end up on “the path” you were always meant to. I read tarot. I believe in crystals. Karma is energy is ruler is fair. But after a year and half of getting lit on fire, I can say my path is looking more like someone or something pressed down some grass 85 years ago and then gave up. “Trust the process".” “Embrace the chaos.” “Lean in to the loss of control.”

I’m a virgo, my entire essence is in white knuckled control. So if I am going to stick to any mantra at this time, it’s going to have to be this.

Thug it out.

-Gina